Trail Guide to Creating Connection
original image via @felipe_eme
Summary
Technology has created many mediums to connect with people but the modern world can feel very lonely. The intimacy of correspondence is lost — reduced to an occasional dm, but more often replaced by a generic public update about successful milestones, void of any real depth or complexity.
There are good and bad things about the internet but if the convenience of a quick like, quippy comment, or perfect emoji becomes a substitute for deeper, more meaningful engagement with others, then the performative nature of social media creates a gap between how we look and how we feel.
For centuries, letters and journals were written to share important information and record the nuances of daily life—the same way we often text or chat with our closest friends about “nothing.” If you find yourself doing that less often and instead posting vague updates for mass consumption, leaving out most details, and then feeling lonely and invisible, try calling a friend who reminds you You’re Real.
Humans are social creatures. Individuals make verbal or non-verbal attempts to engage, interact, or seek emotional support from those around them all the time. Feel into those intuitive invitations, follow your whims….see who you meet…
Skill level
Easy
Send memes: sending memes is a low-stakes way to take something you are already doing and share it with someone, even if you are alone on the couch. Nothing says I love you like “This made me think of you.”
Send a photo: sometimes you have nothing to say so instead, send a picture of something you saw during the day or what you are eating and ask what they saw or what they are eating. These kinds of mundane conversations are great especially when everyone is overwhelmed.
Create Rituals of Connection: Establish routines or rituals that promote regular opportunities for connection, such as daily check-ins, shared activities, or date nights.
Make a bid: Researchers at the Gottman Institute call these social offerings bids. Relationships that endure over time honor those efforts and respond with empathy, active listening, and mutual respect.
When partners respond positively to bids by "turning towards" each other and acknowledging, engaging, and validating the bid, it enhances relationship satisfaction. Dismissing bids by ignoring or "turning away" can lead to dissatisfaction and conflict. Successful relationships involve emotional responsiveness, where partners attune to emotional cues and provide appropriate support or validation.
Verbal Bids: Direct requests for attention, affection, or conversation, such as asking a partner how their day was or expressing a desire to spend time together.
Non-Verbal Bids: Gestures, facial expressions, or body language that convey a desire for connection. This could include smiling, making eye contact, or initiating physical touch.
Playful Bids: Light-hearted or humorous attempts to engage with others. Playfulness fosters emotional connection and can strengthen relationships by creating positive interactions.
High-Energy Bids: Energetic or enthusiastic behaviors that seek to capture attention and engage others. These bids often convey excitement or urgency in wanting to connect.
Low-Energy Bids: Subtle or understated attempts to connect, such as sighing, looking away, or making brief comments. Responding to low-energy bids requires sensitivity to subtle cues.
Repair Attempt Bids: Inevitably, misunderstandings or conflicts may arise when bids are not met with the desired response. Effective couples can make repair attempts—apologies, humor, or gestures of reconciliation—to mend emotional rifts and restore connection.
Medium
Phone a Friend: In the age of technology, phone calls have become increasingly rare, even considered an assault by some. But as we get older, life gets busier, and a simple phone call can feel like an exciting impromptu hang—like when you used to go over to your best friend’s house on a lazy afternoon. Doing nothing, but at least doing it together. I understand it feels like none of us have time for this, but even just welcoming the invitation for five minutes can feel like a breath of fresh air. Try it next time you scroll Instagram and end up feeling worse than when you started.
Conversation card games: Have you seen those games with deep, saucy, vulnerable questions to ask on dates or during dinner parties? They are based on the premise that we need to facilitate deeper connections with the people around us if we want to feel genuinely supported by them - to know we can show up in our full, complicated beauty and still be loved.
Practice Active Listening: Respond to bids by validating the other person's emotions or perspective. Acknowledge their effort to connect, even if you cannot fully engage at that moment. Focus on the speaker, maintain eye contact, and show genuine interest in their thoughts or feelings. Reflect on what you hear to demonstrate understanding.
Hard
Writing a Letter: A thoughtful card or letter offers a sense of meaningfulness that digital messages often lack. Whether it’s a birthday, anniversary, or just a simple thank you, sending a message that directly addresses the recipient, their personality, and their unique situation shows that you truly care. Physical cards are nice because they become mementos, but this is also an invitation to send longer texts, and story replies and to stop apologizing for the “wall of text” (not everything needs to be concise)!
Learn love languages: To personalize your bids, understanding a partner’s primary love language can help identify the best ways someone might want to express and receive love in a relationship. Popularized by Dr. Gary Chapman, these love languages describe the different ways people express and receive love:
Words of Affirmation involve verbal expressions of affection, appreciation, and encouragement.
write a letter of appreciation
send a thoughtful cards or texts
Acts of Service include actions done to help or support a partner.
make breakfast in bed
make their favorite dinner
Giving/Receiving Gifts focuses on the thoughtfulness and effort behind presents given to a loved one
sending memes and responding thoughtfully can say so much
pick up their favorite treats
Quality Time is about giving undivided attention and enjoying shared activities together
plan a special date night
take time off to spend together
Physical Touch encompasses affectionate physical contact
hugs, kisses, and hand-holding
learn a new massage technique